On January 17, 2004, I was raped by a third-class petty officer. I had only been in the Navy a little over four months. I was 25 years old. I was a virgin. I was also drunk. The events of that fateful night have changed the course of my life forever.
In the aftermath of the sexual assault, I experienced all the emotions that are common to survivors of sexual violence: guilt, shame, self-blame, etc. I felt like I had done something wrong, that I was somehow responsible for what happened. I was told by my chain of command that it was my fault. That my drinking gave him the right to rape me.
It took me a long time to seek help. I was scared and ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened. But eventually, I realized that I needed to get help to heal.
The healing process has been long and difficult. But it has also been empowering and liberating. I have come to terms with what happened and have found a new strength that I never knew I had.
If you are a survivor of sexual assault, know that you are not alone. There is help available. You are not responsible for what happened. And you can heal.
The events of that fateful night
I remember every detail of that night like it was yesterday. I had been out drinking with some friends. I don’t remember how many drinks I had, but I know I was drunk. I remember leaving the Riverwalk in San Antonio, going to a hotel that was close to Lackland Air Force Base, and calling my friend to come to pick me up. I remember being in the car with my friend. I remember going up to the hotel room, taking my ID and cell phone out of my pocket and putting it on the half wall between the sofa and bed. The next thing I remember is waking up to him being on top of me. I was naked. He was raping me. I tried to fight back, but I was too weak. I was too drunk. I couldn’t do anything to stop him. I felt helpless and violated. I will never forget the way I felt at that moment.
The aftermath of the sexual assault
After Bug had finished raping me, he got up and left the room. I lay there in shock, not knowing what to do. I felt dirty and disgusted with myself. I wanted to take a shower, but I was afraid that if I did, the evidence of what had happened would be gone. I got dressed and left the hotel room. I remember walking through the lobby and feeling like everyone could see what had happened to me. I felt like I had a sign on my forehead that said “I’ve been raped”. I went back to the barracks, sat in the media room, stared at the television for a while, went to take a shower and went to bed. I pretended as if nothing had happened. I didn’t want to think about it or deal with it. I wanted to forget. One of my friends knew something was wrong with me. She asked me what had happened and told me that was rape and that I had to report it to my chain of command. I told her there was no way that I was going to report to my chain of command. She went and told them.
Guilt, shame, and self-blame
For a long time, I blamed myself for what had happened. I thought that if I had just been more careful, if I hadn’t been drinking, if I hadn’t been alone with a man, then it wouldn’t have happened. I was told by my chain of command that it was my fault. That my drinking gave him the right to rape me. I believed them. I was ashamed of what had happened, and I didn’t want anyone to know.
Seeking help
It took me a while time to seek help. I was scared and ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened. But eventually, I realized that I needed to get help to heal. I went to a therapist who specialized in helping survivors of sexual assault. She helped me to understand that what happened was not my fault. That I was not to blame. That I had done nothing wrong. She also helped me to deal with the guilt and shame that I was feeling. She helped me to see that I was not responsible for what happened. That it was not my fault.
The healing process
It's been a long and hard road to recovery, but I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. The process has been difficult, but it's also been liberating and empowering. I've come to terms with what happened and found a strength I never knew I had. I'm no longer alone; other survivors are out there. I know now that none of this was my fault. I didn't deserve to be blamed, shamed, or retaliated against. What happened to me wasn't my fault, and I refuse to be silent anymore. I am a survivor. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. And I will continue to heal.
No comments:
Post a Comment